***
Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. 

-Buddah

***

It's been a long time...

Thoughts become words. Words become actions. 
We are all so caught up in the words.

There is no poetry in this post. I feel no inspiration in my frustration to be eloquent and quirky. I am left to do nothing but wonder, what point is there in having a voice.. if even if I am heard, it amounts to nothing.
The political polls say they are 'this percentage in favor of the party' and 'this many supporters are changing their vote to party XYZ'... yet I have never once been asked... What is you vote, dear citizen?

I am sure these statistics must be fake.

Here we are: being force fed, no.. Willingly eating up the images of foreign nations whose governments are clearly corrupt. Distinguishing ourselves as far 'better off'. Living in much more of a 'democracy'. Yet do we question those statistics at any moment? Has anyone walked into 'that place where vote-counting happens' to personally check that the voting system is a fair and balanced process? I know I haven't, yet I assume that 'someone' is doing it. Someone has a very big job..That 'Someone' seems to do an awful lot for me. And I don't know if Someone is even doing it right.

Dear reader,

Aren't you tired? Aren't we all tired yet of all of this? Running about, being unfulfilled. Are you tired yet of fearing your neighbors or talking to strangers? How much more of this will it take until you are too tired. And will you then be too tired to change it, perhaps?! Why do you live in defense, in survival mode. Don't you want to live. buzz. glow. grow...

You don't, do you. You want to keep going as you are, running about, feeling unfulfilled... Because you're safe that way. And if not, you'll justify it to yourself somehow. Tell me, how are you justifying your angry thoughts, right now? Are you feeling defensive at these words of mine? Do I offend you?..All that identity you've just got yourself caught up into. Your whole notion of who-you-are is now in danger. But of course, dear reader... I understand...that if you can't justify your actions and your daily choices now (like why you sat around in front of your computer all night, or stopped past and bought some fast food just this once, or lost your temper just a little bit at the intersection), then, how ever could you justify them in the past, and future?
Because if you let the realisation dawn on you- that indeed you are not solely the thoughts you produce, nor the habits and actions that result from them- you are left only to accept that there is nothing holding you back anymore. An inspiring and anxiety provoking thought.

It's time we learn to love our neighbor. Literally. Talk to strangers. Because if we don't... we will only let them scare the love out of us. In apathy or in fear; the hope of fulfillment will be diminished. I dare you then. Love me. 

Kyrie Eleison

This wreakage of wood; half oragnised half chaos, elucidates the need for the tears I feel on my cheek.
Though still retaining beauty, its true glory is lost by the hands of another.
I and this tree, this magnificnet being, are equally reduced to stump and rubble.
Though no one stops to bid it farewell or thank it for its beauty, I am no less than stopped in my path by its cry of greif.
Yet, it knows the place of its greif and does not dwell on it...
As it will be transformed into what new thing by what means, I love it always.
Its roots forever strong in the earth of my heart.

A Conversation

*
Two Planets, two stars.
**
For the girl
***

This beast arrested

This here; a neglectable sadness- covered by transparent barriers. 

I am met with detachment.

Words blur the distance grown between us, silence illuminating what lie dormant.

This here; a beast arrested. 

It struggles against restraint, so thin, so fine, yet so intricately yielded.

But still, there is only indifference. 

No glitter of companionship in your eye, 

Only fear. 

Only your beast visibly contorting beneath its weight,

Pulling tighter each rein on memory and love.   

Escape. I must escape.

But as soon as it is allowed, I am reminded.

Before you got here, you knew.

I know...

I'm not ready to escape.

The Babe and the Traveller

Some say to see the world with the eyes of a babe.
Take all joy in the novelty of life.
But if your memory does not serve to take you back to childhood; I suggest you consider yourself a foreigner instead.
Consider yourself in an exotic location you have never seen. 
You have never been here. 


This place is magical, wonderful, mysterious.

The Veil

The limitations that entail for us, by the veil of our reality- are simply that.

Upon relieving oneself of the veil, one understands the insignificance of those limitations, once believed to be true.

Understand that the only limitation you have, is the belief, idea, mentality that there are any limitations at all....

the contradiction is irony. The simplicity profound.

* * * 

Brother I love you

Dearest Brother,


Go now, thee wanderer. Venture to thy path of discovery and treasures, and return with haste to open arms and open ears. 
Return with satisfaction, so that I may never need speak such words again.
Long are the hours known not of your presence. Nay! they are known well too greatly.
Follow blessed paths unto thou course correctly. See not the disguised as thruthly and well. Be deceived by none. 
See the mind's eye and use it well.
Go now, eternal wanderer, gatherer or knowledge and memory to share, so that I may recall your journey as if it was my own.
Forget not your truth, your roots, my love.
It awaits your return, come quickly ye thee wanderer.
I bid you fare well.


Sister.




* * *

Consolations for troubled impatience

Truth prevails, as everything unfolds as it should.
It is not a question of if but when, and it is the 'when' for which one must foster patience.

It is the 'when' that causes anxiety; if taken as evicence that there exists a means by which it can be controlled.
If it is certain to occur, but uncertainly imminent, then we  may be tempted into quickening the 'occurence'.

But one would do best to relieve oneself of this thoughtform, for it is folly. A common folly of man be that as it may.

Control your patience, not the truth. Because the truth no doubt is stronger than you, wiser than you. And the truth is: you cannot control it until you are it. Furthermore, if you are the truth, perhaps you would not seek adjustment....

If God made me in his image, then he's a failure too.

The ironic thing about failure; is that the more times you fail, the less significant each failure seems, and becomes. 

Similarly, the closer you are (in potentiality) to success.

***

Desiderata and reflections

..: Things to be desired:..

> Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, 

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

So overly repeated, yet so underrated is the silent mind! Great people of the world tell you, instruct you in the ways of silence; meditation, meta-cognition, reflection, relaxation...

There is more weight to silencing your thoughts than most bother to consider. It is true, the world is a place of uncontrollable chaos, but what we control is ourselves, our thoughts, our reactions and our susceptibility to what surrounds us. We would be healthier to remove ourselves from the outside world when it does not suit us- by simply de-cluttering the influx of noise attempting to infiltrate our mind...Physiologically, stress would decrease, immune response would be strengthened. Cognitively, we could focus more, learn more. Spiritually/ \Esoterically we could attune our senses to the collective consciousness, the voice of god, the guidance of a higher self. So now that we know... the trick is practising what is preached to us. 

>As far as possible, without surrender, 

be on good terms with all persons. 

Be on good terms with all persons. Not 'love everyone', nor 'forgive everything everyone does all the time'. It is without surrender. Without becoming the pawn of another. Many so-called spiritual people I think miss this point. It's not about being an overly compassionate person and superficially accepting everything as ultimately divine.. it's about being grounded in yourself enough to voice your thoughts, desires, opinions without needing validation, without expecting of others and doing so in a constructive, positive and caring way. I personally like to use this as a reminder not to hold onto grudges- these negative feelings once expressed and explored once will only affect me in a negative way if I continue to pursue them.

> Speak your truth quietly and clearly; 

and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant;

 they too have their story. 

We are so inclined to think we know the answers, or at least to known what we know. As a result, it can be our tendency to disregard the words of those we see as inferior (either in experience, position, class or other) if their words clash with ours. A 'simpleton' could still have all of the wisdom in the world- but not be heard, and perhaps not even understand his/her own brilliance. I like to regularly take on that task; of finding brilliance in the mundane. 

> Avoid loud and aggressive persons; 

they are vexatious to the spirit.

I refer to these people as energetic leeches, as vampires, as 'mooches' of the soul. These are the people desperately clinging to their own vices, to their addiction to drama. That is their choice, and there is nothing wrong with them choosing to be dramatic- But it is important to recognise that they are not welcome in your life if you do not want them there, and they can not affect you unless you let them. (Good old 'no one can make you feel inferior without your consent' reference) 

> If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter, 

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 

It sometimes feels impossible, not to compare myself with others. What am I if not existing in comparison to something else? Perhaps it is better to say; 'Remember the relativity of greatness'? 'We all have pro's and cons'?

> Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 

I see this as a reference to gratitude. Looking to the future is beneficial but really only if the present is firmly grounded in acknowledgement and humble gratitude of the past. It's the balance between the two. If you only enjoy what you have done- you become stationary and stagnant in the present, especially if you DON'T enjoy the past. So in order to maintain forward motion, you must seek for a future... But let this not preoccupy your attention away from the present! Because the future is an illusion, and resides only in your imaginings/ mind. 

> Keep interested in your own career, however humble; 

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

We all live our own lives, have our own desires and path to achieve them. No external judgement can thwart the significance of what we love to ourselves. Trends will come and go, but the authenticity of self and trueness of your passion will not change, and is therefore not subject to the 'changing fortunes of time'. Perhaps also, in terms of literal career; if you do what you want to do (what YOU really want to do), you will always have enough strength to continue it even in the face of challenge (i.e. economic breakdown).

> Exercise caution in your business affairs, 

for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. 

Like it or not, we do not live in a perfect happy world. People are selfish (me included), which is probably why the systems currently in place will not last forever. It is one thing to feel peaceful, grateful, high-as-a-kite esoteric but once in the real world- REALity kicks in. Be critical and be aware. There is no harm in awareness if it does not exceed itself into paranoia.

> Be yourself.

Surprisingly easier said than done. Who AM I. What makes one, themselves? This is far too complex to settle on this reflection, but obviously- there is much to be discussed.

> Especially do not feign affection. 

Neither be cynical about love, 

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, 

it is as perennial as the grass.

So, like, don't pretend to love someone? Don't be a faker? Ha. But seriously; love genuinely and fully- and see the beauty in things no matter how insignificant they may seem. 'Love is all around' :) (lame! but true)

> Take kindly the counsel of the years, 

gracefully surrendering the things of youth. 

What has Buddhism taught us kids? Be free of your attachments to material things! So too of our attachments to ideals of admirability and desirability. I like the idea of ageing, having acquired the experiences of life- surely I could wisdomfully enrich my life and all the while care a little less (since I'm closer to death, anyway right?).

> Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. 

Even in the good times, it may pay off to maintain steady self-development and peacefulness. If one thing I know is true, it is that change is law. The highs will become lows, the lows plateaus until they peak again. 

> But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. 

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Let's be realistic, sometimes life such sucks. The aim then, is not to never feel a negative feeling- but to bounce back as easily and quickly as possible. Being proactive about fostering a healthy mental schema about the situation and taking what you will from it.  

> Beyond a wholesome discipline, 

be gentle with yourself. 

This is something I personally struggle with. I am my biggest critic, and find it hard to let go of self judgement. Making excuses about self-respect and admiration is far too easy, but so important to overcome.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; 

you have a right to be here. 

And whether or not it is clear to you, 

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. 

And whatever your labors and aspirations, 

in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,  

it is still a beautiful world. 

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

NB: Desiderata was not found in the church, but some confusion has lead to this common belief. It is written by Max Erhmann in 1927.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desiderata

THE GAME we play

..: Games :..

'Tis all a chequer board of nights and days,

Where destiny with men for pieces plays;

Hither and thither, and mates, and slays.

~Edward Fitzgerald

Forgive the recycled cliché, but I feel it should be reiterated, the extent to which life is a game. I don't refer simply to the 'rat race', the economic and socio-political games surrounding us- But the game we play with ourselves and in our closest relationships. The game starts at word go... and here comes the nature vs. nurture debate again- I'm a strong advocate for the influence of nurture (or lack thereof) in shaping the way we view ourselves and the world, and I think it is of utmost importance to realise that even though these influences exist, they are not inevitable and not always the best indicators of how life should be. We are born into a society with preconceived expectations and ideals that have been passed on for generations. We are raised in a family environment suited to gender roles, domestic roles and societal/ familial values to name a few. And we act out our lives according to this 'script' (as the sociologists would phrase it) often with little thought as to why or where our own values came from. 

The game has become so all-consuming that we would fight to the death to maintain the game. How many of us actually stop to think about why we do or think things? Or why we react the way we do when things don't go our way? Probably the most identifiable domain of our lives where the game can be seen/maintained/implemented is through and in our relationships (be they romantic or otherwise). Have you ever stopped to think about the following assumptions/ questions surrounding relationships?:

1. Is a monogamous romantic relationship the ideal? Why?
2. Is it necessary to be in a romantic relationship to be 'normal', to be 'OK'?
3. Do I behave in this way in my relationship because I want to, because I have to, or because I should?
4. Where have I learned how to be in a relationship, and how has that affected by ideals about them?
5. Are you in denial about what you want?

Admittedly, I say these things with a particular case in mind- a personal experience whereby loyalty to a partner in a relationship has had supposed consequences to one's other relationships (to be convoluted about it). We all have many opinions as to 'what the right thing to do' is, and I can't help but notice most of the 'right things' stem from the instructions of the game.

It is the 'right thing' to be exclusively close to your partner (says the game), it is 'not ok' to have feelings for more than one person at a time, because that's emotional cheating (says the game), it's wise not to express your romantic feelings to someone 'too early' (says the game) etc.... The game divides us from our 'id' (thanks Freud), from our instincts, from our desires to connect with all people- to express our hearts and minds as we like. But this is why there is conflict, why there are subconscious incongruencies... because we play the game for so long that we forget what it is to not play... we forget who we were before we got into the game, playing the roles of 'girlfriend/boyfriend, mother, father, brother, shop assistant, loyal friend...' on autopilot. Sooner or later, we become afraid of life outside of games- real life has become the unknown.

If you would just stop to think for a moment; think about the relationships you have now- are you feeling jealous? Should you really be? Are you expecting something of your friends? Why? Are you behaving in accordance to yourself or to your ideal? And where has that ideal come from?

Don't get me wrong, I am well under the control of the game. I play these games with myself too- I am just as hooked on the drama or 'things going wrong' or 'injustice' and tragedy as much as the next person- but when I can find the time to get real, to be real- I understand that the game is not all there is, and that is it just what it is...a game...and from my experience, games are meant to be FUN!

So have fun with it- play the game, but know always that you are pretending, you are playing... and when it no longer becomes fun just be real for a while. Then you will always win.

Your life as a metaphor

..: Everybody wins with metaphors:..

Sit in any primary school English lesson on metaphors and you will remember the pivotal distinction between a metaphor and simile is defined to us as 'a comparison between nouns that does not use 'like' or 'as'.

But, a metaphor is so much more than that!!!  

I am by no means a Christian, but I recognise in what little I know of Christianity; that Jesus loved metaphors (and I think he was onto something): “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven (Luke 18:25)”. So, why be so convoluted Jesus? You're the 'Son' (metaphor?) of the creator of all things, right? If you've got something important to say- by all means SAY IT!!

But that's just it... He can't say it.. You can't just say something an expect it will be taken the same way by all people (evidence in the fact that religious debate has been so incredibly pertinent for the last two thousand odd years). So you use a metaphor. The magical food source for the creative brain, the intuitive, expansive network of synapses that interprets abstract notions. 

The brilliance in a metaphor, is that it can evoke the feeling, evoke an idea that is grasped but not expressed in words. It is a story (and don't we all love stories?), it holds our attention whilst sneakily by-passing our critical cognitive defence systems.

A metaphor is custom designed by and for each individual. You will interpret it as you will (as with anything in ones perception), but your interpretation is always the right one...because most often the message you take from metaphor is just the message you needed to take.

which brings me to my next point...

Your life as a metaphor:

I have taken to the subjective world- and by doing so decided to take everything that occurs in my life as a metaphor. I take everything that happens in my daily life and reflect it back to myself and derive some meaning from that. This allows me to notice anything unusual, any patterns, anything remotely interesting that I may decided to change or acknowledge. and perhaps it just gives me something to do... (haha).

For example:

A humorous metaphor of my recent life was when I stepped in dog poo.

 I didn't realise it was me who had stepped in it. But I could smell it on the train. I looked around at people surround me- sending out thoughts of olfactory disgust at the anonymous perpetrator, all the while being the unsuspecting culprit.

When I realised, I realised many things:

1. I really put my foot in it, this time

2. It was hanging around like a bad smell

3. I who smelt it, dealt it... (so to speak)

I had been so preoccupied with my thoughts, so detached from the physical world around me that I had lost my grip- It took me way too long to notice that I had dog poo on my shoe, because I was too busy in my own mind.

This may seem like a insignificant event to you- but it being my subjective metaphor, meant a lot! I took this as a message: 'You are not grounded in your reality, take a look at yourself'.

Carl Jung spoke in great detail about the nature of the collective consciousness and metaphor. The primary modality of the archetypes of life are just that- archetypes. They have no true form, only the form we assign to them. I think this is true of most things in life.

So I urge you, Reader, to think about what seemingly insignificant things can be taken as metaphors in your life. What message does it send to you?...

a Musing I thought I'd share. (not 'amusing, i thought id share')

As it is so that we change, we are never more than once the same person as we (are) were. 

Though time can eradicate that which is transient- ourselves included- the realms unbound by time nor moment can not be shifted. 

Perhaps without this idea of an intransient sphere (call it god, intelligence, mathematics, ethos..) the urge of man to continue forward would similarly cease to exist. 

Then, what part of me remains the same enough to love? Surely if I lose myself through time, so too I would lose my emotions or those affections associated with my entity? Or is it, quite more sentimentally, that since time has held possession of those affections, time will ensure they always exist...

If once, then always- But never again quite the same.

                                                                  * * *

You should not have Could not have, done it any other way.

Meet Ould. Pronounced 'ood'. 

A trouble maker.

Though, ironically, particularly interested in the concept of 'Responsibility.'

Problem.
Ould; he gets in the way.

The other kids; who aimlessly and joyfully bask in their innocent and childish
desires...are chargrined by him.

Turn left now, ever so carefully towards the linguists playground, where ould will meet
Sh... 

None other than his most dangerous and troubling of friends.
Brothers of crime.
Whimsical brushes of fate and fortune stand no chance against them, so colloquially known now as Should.

Should, be together.
And often fight between themselves; for Should (though a responsible pair) have no direction.
No boundaries..
As usually defined by their superiors.
Should; camouflage.
Some see them green, others blue, black and white or grey.
But black and white they are not.
Nor grey nor blue nor green.
They are only subject to, and full of;
Popular opinion.

* * *

With respite from his breakup, Ould may continue.
Turn right now; and with a little hope meet C.
Could are full of possibilities; so open to the future.
Considerate of all things.
But with the naievety of a babe, and with the bitterness of should (still resoundingly fresh in his mind)...
Ould (now could) combines forces with Have.
Could have be, no; could have been...
And are a torturous trio.
Forever, infecting the posibilities shared by Could, with the past.
Now stipped of hopeful charm, to be infected by unsettleing regret.

* * *

The playground is now rife with conflict.
Could it be, that it Should have.
Would have.
Could have..
been this way?
All they really wanted was to be.
How misguided, now, are the rest of us?
Unsure of what is!
Black or white? or grey?
Preoccupied not with what was, but what might have been.

* * *

There is principle CHAOS, amongst the people.
''Ould- be left alone for now'', he says- in all omnipotent authority.
You see, there is no freedom in Ould.

No freedom surrounds him.

...: Contemplation :...

In a Catedral somewhere in Granada:

'' It's not unusual for me to force a contrived sense of religiousness when visiting the many cathedrals and places of significance in Europe. Mostly, I just end up wondering how it could have lasted so long and find myself accidently returning to my agnosticism. However, upon viewing the many paintings hung as a collection of Fernando (the something), I realised one thing- They all showed Jesus with a wound on his right side. They all showed similar facial features (minus the colour and amount of hair he had). This led me to believe that either the lies and or interpretations had been passed down synonymously, or Jesus actually did have a wound to his right side. He did live... and die. That much I can now believe. The rest of the story is yet to be uncovered.
 

                                                              *            *             *

I sat down to ponder this when I felt an insane epitome of something. It was like I had sat in front of a century old conversation-- More even. It was like there was a lingering whisper of the truth, some pivotal information that unearths some great mystery. All I could determine was that something had happened here. Some point of no return had been passed and now only the frozen faces sculptured into the walls could know. These walls did have eyes and ears but they had no voice.

If the spacetime threories are true, and the future-present-past are infact of just one 'time', I could reach into the time that was the past, now, and hear that conversation. That is the most frustrating part- The likely impossibilities and improbable possibilities.''   -August 2010

Consider what you have just experienced a taste tester. This is the soliloquy of my soul, the 'mentational' garbage which plagues me daily. 
I write this in a cloud, to a(n) (internet) cloud- So that these meditations might bring me clarity, and bring you some amusement of any kind.
I write selfishly and subjectively in the hope that forcing myself to write with structure might bring structure to the thoughts I put into writing... 


Circular logic; I Love you...  


You will find that: I create words regularly, I ramble and I make tenuous links between facts of life and convolute them into what can sometimes be an overwhelming combination of philosophy, esoterica and pseudo-academic bullshit. 


May the festivities begin!